| Author | Message | ||
  DyvaNaye (westside314) 5-Doyen Username: westside314 Post Number: 397 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.216 |
I started this thread on the other forum and it was really successful...so much so I started sending some of the jokes out to people on the job. So since today was a typical Monday (blah!)and I made it though with out MURDERING one particular member of my staff...(I digress, again)....... Ya'll GOT ANY JOKES...AGAIN?! 'Some of my best friends are jokes' - George Clinton | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 884 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
Dyva, to the most recorded motown song pronto!!! | ||
DyvaNaye (westside314) 5-Doyen Username: westside314 Post Number: 403 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.216 |
I went darn it! | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 932 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
To quote Emily LaTella: OK....never mind. (Message edited by Juicefree20 on May 18, 2004) | ||
Tony.C. (tonyc) 2-Debutant Username: tonyc Post Number: 25 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 195.93.33.10 |
Right this one is for Juice,Ralph,Mel-and then some,Sisdetroit,Medusa,etc.and it goes like this--q: How Do You Turn a Duck into a Soul Singer? a:Put it in a Microwave,until it,s Bill Withers. (apologies to all animal lovers).LUV AND STUFF 2 ALL.Tony.C. | ||
ralph (ralph) Moderator Username: ralph Post Number: 228 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 209.240.205.61 |
Tony, GROAN!!!!!!!!! But funny!! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 100 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Hi Dyva! Here's one: Recalling Life A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today." Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 101 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Dear Abby Letters > Dear Abby, > > A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged > gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These > two > women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their > apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? > > Dear Abby, > What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? > > Dear Abby, > I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this > baby I'm carrying is his. > > Dear Abby, > I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for > two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share > half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with > him. > > Dear Abby, > I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted > him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen > again. > > Dear Abby, > Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a > good Christian home turn against his own? > > Dear Abby, > I joined the Navy to see the world? I've seen it. Now how do I get out? > > Dear Abby, > My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every > week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. > > Dear Abby, > I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until > one night he came home sober. > > Dear Abby, > Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I > tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it. > > Dear Abby, > My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her > mental pause. > > Dear Abby, > You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him > to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is > a doctor. > Handsome | ||
Eli (phillysoulman) 5-Doyen Username: phillysoulman Post Number: 404 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 68.236.19.111 |
Q--What do you call a happy Italian ghost? A--A fun ghoul A blind rabbit and a blind snake just happened to bump into one another in the woods. The snake slithered up to the rabbit and said; "You're soft and furry and have long floppy ears, so you must be a rabbit" The rabbit then said: You're slimy, low to the ground and you have no ears, so you must be an a&r man"! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 102 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Southern Girl Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Mississippi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye! Handsome | ||
Eli (phillysoulman) 5-Doyen Username: phillysoulman Post Number: 405 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 68.236.19.111 |
A rather plain and homely looking nurse goes into Mr. Goldbergs room and sees him lying there in the altogether. She procedes to run out of the room yelling "omigosh, Mr. Goldberg is lying there naked and he has the word 'swan' tattooed on his penis" So another nurse who, by the way was a real looker and a real 'brickhouse' went in to see. After a minute or so, she comes running out and exclaimes " the tattoo on his penis says "Saskatchewan"!!! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 103 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Hey Eli! I had a joke I was gonna post similiar to that, ha ha ha! Handsome | ||
Russ Terrana (russ_terrana) 1-Arriviste Username: russ_terrana Post Number: 8 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 198.178.8.81 |
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 105 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
The Midget & The Horse > An owner of a stud farm gets a call from a friend... > > "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy > > a horse, I'm sending him over." > > The midget arrives at the horse farm and the owner > > asks if he wants a male or female horse. > > "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner > > shows him one. > > "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" So the > > owner pick's up the midget and shows him the horses mouth. > > "Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?" So the owner > > picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. > > "Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting > > pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and > > shows him the horse's ears. > > "Ok, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, > > the owner picks up the midget and shoves the midget's head up > > the horses twat, then pulls him out. > > Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should > > rephrathse that..... I'd like to thee her run!" Handsome | ||
Russ Terrana (russ_terrana) 1-Arriviste Username: russ_terrana Post Number: 9 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 198.178.8.81 |
The biggest joke of all ... Motown 45 | ||
Common (common) 2-Debutant Username: common Post Number: 12 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.2.55.171 |
Hello everyone, One of my favorite topics is back: Jokes!  Here's one I found: Two Drunk Women Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetary. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one didn't have anything to clean herself with so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself then discarded them. The second woman didn't find anything either but thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seem that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other husband responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read "we will never forget you". Peace! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 107 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Glad you're back Common :o) Here's another joke.... The Grill There is an old man and old woman working out in the garden. The old man turns around to see his wife bending over and says, "Honey your rear end is about as big as my grill." He goes and gets his tape measure and holds it up to his wife, "Yup honey, your rear end is as big as my grill." That night, while lying in bed, the old man snuggles up to the old woman from behind. She turns over and says, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the big grill for that little weenie you're crazy." Handsome | ||
Manny (manny) 4-Laureate Username: manny Post Number: 147 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 217.124.11.139 |
Hi, soulful friends! (Hope, that despite the fact my deficient English, this can be understand!) This told to me the barman of my habitual Cafe: A woman buy a wardrobe and the personnel of the furniture's shop come to installer at his home. Little after the personnel is gone, she heard a very great noise. She come to the room and see that the wardrobe is dismantle. She call to the shop and the personnel come again to his home to repair the wardrobe. This is repeating one day and another. Finally, the woman understand that the cause is in front of the home have a bus stop and the vibrations of the bus motor make to dismantle the wardrobe. She call to the furniture's shop and tolds. Again, come to his home a man of the shop. The woman is lonely at home. The man says: "OK, I have reparated again the wardrobe. Now I enter inside the wardrobe and waiting for the next time the bus is stopping in front the home for checking where are the problem. I'm naked because the hot temperature" (this was at Summer). Then, comes the husband and come directly to the room. He open the door of the wardrobe and exclaim: "Who are you and what makes you naked here inside??!!" The man of the shop respond: "OK, your woman and me screw regularly, we're lovers. BTW, if I says to you tha't I'm waiting the bus, you don't believe me...!" Peace, Funny & Soul Food | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 108 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
God Loves Blondes > A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business > has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate > that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please > help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going > to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto. > Lotto night comes and she does not win. > > Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my > business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes > and Brandi still has no luck. > > Once again, she Prays... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've > lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't > often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you > PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life > back in order." > > Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and > Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with > me on this. > Go buy a ticket." > Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 109 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
The Old Man > A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. > My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, My ex-wife is sleeping over > this > Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to > satisfy > them all. > The doctor says " You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty > dangerous for a man of your age". "I will give them to you on the > condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you > out." > The man says "You have a deal Doc." > Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor says > "what happened"? The man answered "nobody showed up!" > Handsome | ||
bluerhythmbass (bluerhythmbass) 2-Debutant Username: bluerhythmbass Post Number: 13 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 192.55.140.2 |
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, > > > "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." | ||
douglasm (douglasm) 4-Laureate Username: douglasm Post Number: 76 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 68.113.12.67 |
The airplane was having engine problems, and the Captian said they had to lighten it or it would crash. The crew and passengers threw out everything they could, the food, seats, luggage, magazines, booze, but it still wasn't light enough. So the Captian said to the passengers "We've got to get about 160 lb. lighter. One of you is going to have to jump for the good of the rest." The passengers decided among themselves that the person least worthwile to humanity would be the one to jump. The plane crashed. They couldn't decide between a disk jockey and a used car salesman. Michael Morgan KVLR-FM | ||
Destruction (destruction) 3-Pundit Username: destruction Post Number: 35 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 199.173.224.2 |
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 122 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Wanna buy a toothbrush? The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like sh%&!' Then I would say, " It is sh%&. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?" Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 123 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Arthritis A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on an airplane and sat next to a priest, who was appalled. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was blotched with bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. The drunk opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest eager to lecture this sinner, said, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be!" the drunk exclaimed and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come down on you so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, I just read in the paper that the Pope does. | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1089 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
You guys have some good ones here! I wish that I knew some as good as yours. Oh well...here goes.... There was a young man from Nantucket..... THE END! Thank you very much!! I am available for corporate gatherings, weddings & all social functions!!! Now that's really a joke, I can feel the eggs & tomatoes descending down on my cranium as I write!! | ||
Brian T. (mrclemma) 2-Debutant Username: mrclemma Post Number: 27 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 63.164.145.198 |
I'd tell my Marvin Gaye joke but that would be like telling a John Lennon joke at Beatlefest. | ||
DyvaNaye (westside314) 6-Zenith Username: westside314 Post Number: 449 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.216 |
WISE CHOICE Brian.... DYVANAYE: Ultimate M.G. fan....in fact, the idea that you could muster up the courage to say you had a Marvin joke is a joke it self on this forum...so here's to laughter! | ||
DyvaNaye (westside314) 6-Zenith Username: westside314 Post Number: 450 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.216 |
Juice: uh....make meeting please...lol.... | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 127 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Market Research > > A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a > > young woman with three small children running around at her feet. > > He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the > > product?" > > She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." > > "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" > > "We use it for sex." > > The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to > me > > and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate > > hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire > you > > for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly > > how you use it for sex?" > > The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it > on > > the door knob and it keeps the kids out." Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 128 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
The Priest and Mrs. Smith A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the doorbell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing." The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we'll have some tea." While sitting at the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says. "Not at all, have as many as you like". After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit." To which Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them." Handsome | ||
DyvaNaye (westside314) 6-Zenith Username: westside314 Post Number: 453 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.216 |
Ewwwwwww! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 129 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
> KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline). > > Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. > While > there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. > Several > people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and > with > her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One > customer > who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked > over to > the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked > very > strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd > been > shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for > over an > > hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because > the > doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her > head. When > > they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck > to the > back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the > heat, > making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad�of dough > hit > her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what > it was, > > she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially > passed out, > > but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an > hour > until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a > blonde. Handsome | ||
Vonnie (vonnie) 5-Doyen Username: vonnie Post Number: 177 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 205.188.116.138 |
Handsome, ROTFLMAO , your jokes are awesome! | ||
count (the_count) 3-Pundit Username: the_count Post Number: 48 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 69.14.221.162 |
Indian want to get circumcised, so he goes to the witchdoctor, how much to circumciseum pee pee? witchdoctor says $100.00, UGG,too much. Indian goes to Chinese doctor, how muchum to circumciseum pee pee, Chinese doc says $75.00, UGG, too much. Indian goes to the American doctor way down in the village, how muchum costum to circumciseum pee pee, Doc say $50.00, Indian says UGG too much, fuckum me go and do it my ownself. Indian goes back to his tee pee, sharpens the ol axe, lays pee pee on tree stump, takes a wack at it, UUG TOO MUCH. | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1101 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
Handsome, Brother, you sure have some jokes bro! You're SDs Champ!!! Hey Count: Too much huh??? | ||
Dinelle (dinelle_watson) 4-Laureate Username: dinelle_watson Post Number: 79 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 68.222.15.9 |
I don't have any jokes, but I do have a story that's hilarious! This is actually a true story. Before I tell the story, let me tell you about the main character of the story. The main character of this story is my uncle Albert. He and my late uncle Wallace are known to be very destructive and mischievious. They make Dennis the Manace look like an angel. Compared to them, my mom was the angel of the family. Okay. This story took place in 1960. It was at Holy Redeemer Catholic Grammar School. My uncle had just started kindergarten. Everything was just fine for him, except for one thing: his teacher always forgot his name. My uncle was so steemed that one day he did the unthinkable: he cut school. At that time, he knew how to get home because their house was only 5 blocks away from the school. He actually snuck into the house from the back door. He did that for about a week. Maybe even longer than that. Then my grandma and grandpa got a call from the school and sister told them what happened. Once my uncle got home, my grandma let him have it! She whipped him all the way to school and whipped him all the way back! LOL!!!!!! I know he won't try that anymore. And you know what, he never did. | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1120 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
It's a shame. I used to know some real good jokes. Looks like turning 21 has made me all serious & whatnot. Now, it seems as though my best jokes are friends!!! (With apologies to Sir George Clinton!!!) | ||
sea (sea) 2-Debutant Username: sea Post Number: 29 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 152.163.252.200 |
Handsome, Your jokes have me laughing out loud...and I do mean loud! I'm really likin it. Thanks | ||
Mike Sku (mike_sku) 2-Debutant Username: mike_sku Post Number: 20 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 64.9.11.62 |
Hey, everyone! I thought this one was funny: Two nuns had just finished their shift at a hospital and were on their way back to the convent. They had just passed a gas station, when their car ran out of gas. The two nuns frantically looked in their trunk for something to collect the gas in, but all they could find was a bed pan. So they walked back to the gas station, collected the gas and returned. As they were filling the tank with the bed pan, a pastor and his wife happened to be driving by. The surprised pastor turned to his wife and exclaimed, "Now that's faith!" | ||
DyvaNaye (westside314) 6-Zenith Username: westside314 Post Number: 458 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 209.212.74.212 |
Mike Sku: Ha! LOL! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 133 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Hey Vonnie, Juice & Sea! How are you good folks doing? People send me jokes all the time. I'm just glad I have somewhere to unload them. I'll see if I have some more. Enjoy, everyone! Handsome Handsome | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1144 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
What's up partner!! I thought that you were going to hit us with another knockout joke!! THE WINNER AND STILL UNDISPUTED SDF CHAMPIOOOONNNN!!!!!!! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 135 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
A Rare Delicacy > > > An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of > > > > > > drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he > > > > > > noticed a large, sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at > > > > > > the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. > > > > > > He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter > replied, > > > > > > "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from > the > > > > > > bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" > > > > > > The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on > > > > > > vacation down here! Bring me an order!" > > > > > > The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Senor, there is only one serving > per > > > > > > day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come > early > > > > > > tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this > delicacy." > > > > > > > > > The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that > > > > > > evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. > > > > > > After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he > called to > > > > > > the waiter and said, "These really are delicious, but they are much, > much > > > > > > smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" > > > > > > > > > The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes > the > > > > > > bull wins." Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 136 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Mongolian VD > An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very > sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving > back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered > with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see > his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, > orders > some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The > man > returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news > for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. > It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about > it. The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or > something and fix me up, doc. "The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no > known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." > The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" > The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want." The > next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know > more > about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims > "Mongolian VD". The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know > that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and > amputate > my penis!" > The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! > American doctor, always want to operate. > Make more money, that way. No need to operate!" > "Oh thank God!" the man replies > The Chinese doctor says, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by > itself!" Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 137 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
> > The Love Dress > > > > The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently > > married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the > > house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. > > "What are you doing?" she asked. > > "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," > > the daughter-in-law answered. > > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. > > "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. > > "Love dress? But you're naked!" > > "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy > > and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would > > leave because he will be home from work any minute." > > The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and > > left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. > > When she got home she got undressed, showered, put > > on her best perfume and waited by the front door. > > Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw > > her standing naked by the door. > > "What are you doing?" he asked. > > "This is my love dress" she replied. > > "Needs ironing." he said. Handsome | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 138 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
> Little Johnny > > For his Birthday Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. > His father said "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on > this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way > we can afford it." > The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door > with a suitcase. > So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" > Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I > heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait > because she was coming too. > And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 > mortgage and no transportation. Handsome | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1148 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPIOOOOONNNNN!!!!! FUNNY STUFF HANDSOME, FUNNY!!!! Sometimes the bull wins, huh???? | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 139 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
Hey Big Bro Juice! How are ya? Yes, "Sometimes", only sometimes the bull wins, ha ha! Handsome | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1153 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
Handsome, What's up partner? Check this: If they fought fair, the bull would always win!!! | ||
SDF (handsome) 4-Laureate Username: handsome Post Number: 140 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 170.118.158.14 |
You have a point, Juice ;o) Handsome | ||
Destruction (destruction) 3-Pundit Username: destruction Post Number: 44 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 199.173.225.2 |
A jazz musician who was feeling sick went to a doctor who conducted a series of tests to determine what was wrong with him. A week later the doctor called the jazzer back into the surgery to give him the results. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this", said the doctor, "but you've only got three months to live!" "On what?" the musician replied | ||
Manny (manny) 5-Doyen Username: manny Post Number: 190 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 217.124.10.45 |
Hi, SDers! This is not a joke, this happened to me really many time ago: One day i was sitting in a square in my town, talking with a friend. Was the time when I worked as barman in a Disco. A guy who walk for the square came here for ask to me for one cigarette. I give it to him. He says: -What hour is open the Disco this night? I answer: -I have no idea. What disco? -Aren't you a barman in Chrysalis discotheque? I reply: -I a barman in Chrysalys..??!! No, you're confused! -Oh, pardon, me. Two hours later i was at work and the first client who come to drink in the bar service was precissely this same guy!! -Ep!, you're so "gracious" (says to me) -What? Don't understand... -Yes, two hours before you says to me in the street that you don't worked here... -I think you're confused ANOTHER time. Is the second time you confused me in two hours only. (This is a surrealist story. Sometimes i'm involved in Monthy Pyton - flavored stories) Peace! | ||
Destruction (destruction) 3-Pundit Username: destruction Post Number: 45 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 199.173.224.2 |
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?" | ||
count (the_count) 3-Pundit Username: the_count Post Number: 49 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 69.14.221.162 |
get out your pocket kalculators for this one. enter 18 soul brothers going (dont press plus sign at any time)75 mph, with (enter) 88 watermelons, and (enter) 69 pounds of ribs,(now press the X,times 2 stolen kars, now press =, where are they going? Turn kalc upside down for answer. "COUNT" | ||
Destruction (destruction) 3-Pundit Username: destruction Post Number: 46 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 199.173.224.20 |
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in. He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started singing The Old Rugged Cross. He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing Jesus Loves me. He then called out SEX. Not a sound. Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly stood up and started singing, Precious Memories. | ||
Destruction (destruction) 3-Pundit Username: destruction Post Number: 47 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 199.173.224.20 |
and finally.... Judi the blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?" "No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!" | ||
Juicefree20 (juicefree20) 6-Zenith Username: juicefree20 Post Number: 1174 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 24.46.184.162 |
LADIES & GENTLEMEN!!! A NEW CONTENDER STEPS INTO THE RING!!! A UP AND COMING JOKESTER BY THE NAME OF DESTRUCTION HAS STEPPED FORTH TO DO BATTLE WITH THE UNIFIED CHAMPION, SDF AKA HANDSOME!!! | ||
Dinelle (dinelle_watson) 4-Laureate Username: dinelle_watson Post Number: 83 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 67.35.241.127 |
UH-OH!!!!!! | ||
Dinelle (dinelle_watson) 4-Laureate Username: dinelle_watson Post Number: 84 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 67.35.241.127 |
BTW, Count, I tried figuring out that little math problem. Is the answer "Belli Sle"? | ||
count (the_count) 3-Pundit Username: the_count Post Number: 50 Registered: 4-2004 Posted From: 69.14.221.162 |
Hey Dinelle, yes it is BELLISLE. Are you from the big "D"? Bellisle is a great site and park in the greater Detroit area. "COUNT" | ||
Dinelle (dinelle_watson) 4-Laureate Username: dinelle_watson Post Number: 86 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 67.35.241.127 |
Cool! I never knew that. I'm from New Orleans, Louisiana BTW. | ||
Dinelle (dinelle_watson) 4-Laureate Username: dinelle_watson Post Number: 94 Registered: 3-2004 Posted From: 66.157.59.123 |
Say did you hear about the tuna fish that no one wanted to eat? He was rotten to the "alvacore". LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
